The Not Necessarily Incorrect Sports News Vol. 19

It is a new year sports fans! Dizzle here with my resolutions. I resolve to have a resolution this year. I will be resolute in coming up with my resolutions. If I am not part of the resolution I am part of the reproblem. So sit back, relax, don’t put that in there, don’t pick at that or you’ll get a scar and enjoy because…

Tonight! Al Davis is actively filling out the Raiders coaching staff; So much for at least pretending the head coach will have any power. Pac Man Jones was quoted as saying “I love me some me.”; I had no idea he was that flexible. Oklahoma lost to Florida in the College Football National Championship game; That’s a tough break but at least they still have the Thunder. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try the same thing you tried before, the exact same way, over and over again, expecting different results each time. And repeat. THIS is The Not Necessarily Incorrect Sports News!

- Last week, Broncos’ owner Pat Bowlen announced he was firing head coach Mike Shanahan after 14 seasons with the team. The firing didn’t come as a big surprise considering Shanahan had won just one playoff game since Elway retired. What was surprising, however, was that more coaches didn’t follow him out the door. After all, when one is on a sinking ship, one should always follow the rats.

- The Patriots missed out on the playoffs this season which has left Bill Bellichick searching for a way to reclaim past success. His hopes took a bad turn when he was sued for sexual harassment after asking an intern if he knew how to use a video camera and could keep a secret.

- Just a week after the Cleveland Browns announced former Patriot assistant Eric Mangini would replace former Patriot assistant Romeo Crennel as the next coach, Mangini hired former Patriot (and Raider) assistant Rob Ryan as defensive coordinator. These days the Browns front office just hovers around the Patriots headquarters looking for a sign or a signal that a coach will become available. No word, however, whether they are stealing those signs or videotaping those signals.

- An unnamed source recently criticized Brett Favre’s play this season. He would not give his name however and would only speak in dark blocked-out face with a voice synthesizer. He claimed to fear for his life against a group he would only refer to as “B Fav and the Disney Sports Mafia.”

- After the criticism Favre received because of some terrible miscues in the latter portion of the season, he said, “The only person I let down is myself.” “Really?!” responded the fans, his teammates, and the entire Jets organization.

- The Cowboys parted ways with embattled Cornerback Adam “Pac Man” Jones last week after reports surfaced of yet another incident in which he showed a gun in a night club and threatened a man by saying, “I will kill you and everyone else in the club.” Pac Man went on to say, “You will just be a pair of eyes fleeing back to your safe square to get another colored sheet.”

- This newest incident would not have been such a big deal except Pac Man Jones only played 9 games this season with no interceptions and just a 4.5 yard kick return average. Sure, he can be a criminal but if you are going to not play well, then there is not a place for you in the NFL.

- Sources from the Cowboys say that the locker room atmosphere is “toxic.” This source was quickly dismissed though; simply out of disbelief. I mean seriously T.O.? Pac Man? Tank? Toxic? Get the f@#k outta here!

- WNBA star Candace Parker announced last week that she is pregnant. Reportedly the pregnancy will take about nine months but Parker is optimistic that she can pop it out in no more than six.

- Parker has been urged by the team and fans not to rush back to playing because no one wants to see her running around the court with the post pregnancy extra skin flapping around and hanging out the bottom of her jersey.

- Last week former Bronco linebacker Bill Romanowski sent a request to Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, complete with a Power Point presentation outlining his desire to be the Broncos next head coach. What is he on? Oh yeah, never mind.

- In the Eagles playoff game against the Giants last weekend, Donovan McNabb was penalized 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct when he ran out of bounds and while at the Giants bench he picked up the phone and pretended to talk on it. After the game Andy Reid defended McNabb for his actions stating “It may have looked like taunting but in actuality, Donovan was trying to call his psychiatrist. Because that guy is frikkin ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ if you know what I mean.”

- Ravens rookie quarterback Joe Flacco has had quite a week. First he helps lead his team to the AFC championship and now he has been cast in a major motion picture. He will be playing Bert in the upcoming Sesame Street movie. No offers have been sent out for Ernie yet although Ray Lewis has shown interest in auditioning for the role.

- In light of the Ravens and Steelers meeting in the AFC championship game this week, Pittsburgh mayor, Luke Ravenstall has officially changed his name to Luke Steelerstall. Upon hearing this, Arizona Senator, John McCain changed his name to John McCardinal to help the Arizona Cardinals in the NFC championship game. Saying “Is it too late to pander for votes?”

- The Cardinals have had a surprising run into the NFC championship game. Their squad has earned the nickname: “The Physicals” because they are really “turning some heads.”

–Disassociated Press

About Levi Damien, Senior Writer

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