The Not Necessarily Incorrect Sports News Vol 9

- Last Thursday Peter Carroll grabbed a bunch of Trojans and went up to Oregon with the intention of pounding some beaver. He tried several times to penetrate, but still he was denied. He tried going up top and even tried the tight end but he was off his game and his approach lacked potency. So he lowered his head, took his Trojans off and limped home. Talk about being whipped.

- During the week prior to the Steelers and Ravens Monday Night Football game, Steelers rookie running back Rashard Mendenhall sent a text message to Ravens rookie running back Ray Rice, saying, “I am going to have a big game.” Ravens linebacker Bart Scott responded by saying, “Thanks for the bulletin board, material rookie.” Fellow Ravens LB Ray Lewis added, “Bart Scott is right. We would really like to thank Rashard for giving us the motivation to play. Before we saw that message on the bulletin board we were not sure we would even have the urge to get out of bed on Monday.”

- Redskins tight end Chris Cooley recently posted a picture of his “junk” on his blog by accident. He was extremely embarrassed by the mistake and to compensate for this gaffe he immediately posted a picture of his large truck that is lifted with huge tires.

- There is a clause in Brett Favre’s contract that says if he dies unexpectedly, his corpse is to be laid on the field for the first play of every game so as to keep his consecutive start streak alive.

- After Charles Woodson of the Packers intercepted Brian Griese of the Buccaneers on Sunday, one of the Buccaneer players inadvertently slapped John Gruden on the back. He was told by the team physician that the smirk is indeed permanent.

- Investors in Plaxi Co. saw their stock plummet this week. Representatives from Plaxi Co. urged its shareholders not to lose hope. Agent Rosenhaus is asking for a $250,000 bailout. The owners claim that they were going to sign the agreement but the Players Union rep said some mean things that hurt their delicate feelings in a clearly Pro PA speech that was given. Therefore there will be no bailout and no talks until the PA takes it back and says they‘re sorry. A hug would be nice too.

- Further research has been done on the Boston Red Sox 1986 World Series loss to the New York Mets. As it turns out it was not Bill Buckner’s fault, it was Ed Hochuli all along. They are currently investigating the “Tuck Rule” game.

- It was announced this week that Bruce Springsteen will be performing in the halftime show during this year’s Super Bowl in Tampa, Florida. He was considered a perfect choice because Florida is where most of his fans are living these days and they don’t quite get around like they used to.

- Alyssa Milano will be appearing at the Raider Locker Room on the Universal City Walk this Saturday, October 4th. She will be giving out an autograph with every purchase of an item from her “Touch” Raiders line of apparel. Now, let me see, where is that crusty, stained poster of hers that I used to have on the ceiling above my bunkbed…

- Many fans that attended the Raiders game in Oakland last Sunday were surprised to see the team in their white uniforms. This was seen as an act of defiance by Kiffin directed at Al Davis. Mr. Davis is well known for his fashion sense which is how he got his nickname “Big Gay Al”. Not only that but everyone knows you don’t wear white after labor day. This fashion faux pas was worse than when Mike Shanahan showed up to the fourth game of his 2nd season wearing a bracelet that didn’t match his skin tone. And we all know what happened then don’t we?

- Now that Kiffin is no longer the Raider head coach, he is said to be a top candidate for the head coaching position at Syracuse University, Al Davis’ Alma Mater. Upon learning of this possibility, Al Davis immediately called Syracuse and said, “If you hire Kiffin as your head coach, I will no longer endorse Syracuse as my Alma Mater!” To which they responded, “You promise?”

- A reporter at Al Davis’ the press conference asked him if he was getting soft in his old age in regards to Lane Kiffin because, after all, he fired Mike White on Christmas Eve. Al responded, “I fired him on Jewish New Years Eve. He’s Jewish isn’t he? Who are we talking about again? I went poopy.”

- The crisis on Wall Street is said to be slowing down the rate of illegal immigrants that are coming into the country. In a related story, sales of Cowboys and Raiders merchandise is at an all-time low. Further proof that the economic crisis is effecting everyone.

- On Monday, Raiders owner Al Davis suspended his campaign against Raiders then head coach Lane Kiffin due to what he called “the state of the Raiders.” Mr. Davis’ thinking was that putting his campaign on hold for the good of the organization would raise his popularity with fans. Unfortunately this “tactic” backfired on him. He received widespread criticism from the media who called it a “gimmick” and “grandstanding”. Then just a day afterward he decided to restart his campaign and fired Kiffin after all. In his press conference he criticized Kiffin for being “a liar”, “inexperienced” and several times he said there were many things that Kiffin “didn’t understand”. As usual he came off as crabby and out of touch. And now he is even more unpopular than ever.

– Disassociated Press

About Levi Damien, Senior Writer

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