The Not Necessarily Incorrect Sports News Vol. 7

- In the Raiders’ win over the Chiefs on Sunday, JaMarcus Russell was repeatedly passing to whomever had CB Brandon Carr covering them. He was surprised to learn after the game that Chris Carr was actually with the Tennessee Titans.

- After the first game of the season, Raiders Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan was extremely angry with the heat his players and himself were taking for how poorly the defense played against the Broncos. In the game against the Chiefs the defense played considerably better — which is quite a relief because if the defense was terrible again, we were all worried he might go into labor right there on the field and give birth to those twins he has been carrying around.

- In the Broncos game Sunday against the Chargers, there was a myriad of questionable calls by the officials including a curious replay malfunction on a catch by a Chargers receiver that was ruled a fumble and led to a Broncos TD. Referee Ed Hochuli claimed to have given the replay system 2 minutes to work and it didn’t so the clearly miscalled fumble stood as called on the field. Also there was a no-call on a holding on the ensuing TD dive by Michael Pittman. Then there was, of course, the controversial call in which Ed Hochuli blew a play dead in which Bronco QB Jay Cutler had clearly fumbled. The Broncos retained the ball and scored a TD along with a 2 point conversion to “win” the game. These bad calls are enough without even mentioning the many no-calls and bad calls that were made in the Broncos game against the Raiders such as a blatant and obvious hold on Raiders TE Zach Miller at the goal line to prevent a Raiders TD, The EXACT SAME type of fumbled throw by JaMarcus Russell that, fortunately for the Broncos, was NOT blown dead. And of course not a single holding call on the Broncos all day despite several obvious holds on several plays in the game. Not to mention on nearly every play in both games, the Broncos were guilty of 15 men on the field. Man those Broncos in the black and white stripes are talented.

- After Ed Hochuli blew the whistle to stop the play in which Jay Cutler fumbled, he went over to the Chargers sideline and told Norv Turner, “I blew this one”. Which is amazingly coincidental because that is exactly what Broncos coach Mike Shanahan was overheard saying as he left the referee locker room prior to the game.

- Here at the Disassociated Press we have come across a transcript from a late night telephone conversation between ESPN analysts Trey Wingo and Merril Hoge this passed Sunday. Here is what it said:

Trey: Hello?
Merril: Hey Trey. What’s up?
Trey: Aw nothing much, just chillin’.
Merril: So what Sunday games do you think we will break down on NFL Primetime tomorrow?
Trey: Um….
Merril: Come on Trey you must have some idea
Trey: Uh…the Patriots?
Merril: Ok that’s good. Which other teams?
Trey: Brett Favre?
Merril: Well, Brett Favre is not an NFL team he is a player but ok. Which other teams?
Trey: Hmm….eesh
Schlereth: (in the background) Broncoooooss!
Trey: Broncos!
Merril: Well of course the Broncos, it is in our contract. What–
Schlereth: Hey Wingie look at me “It puts the lotion in the basket” Heeehehehe
Trey: That is quite a talent Mark, now go put some pants on.
Merril: What is he doing?
Trey: Well he has this new thing he calls “The Tuck Rule Game.”
Merril: What’s that?
Trey: You don’t wanna know.
Merril: I’m sure I don’t. Anyway, what other teams?
Trey: The Cowboys?
Merrril: No the Cowboys don’t play until Monday night. What about the Raiders winning?
Trey: They WON!? Why would we want to talk about that?
Merril: Well, who else then?
Trey: Uh….
Merril: You don’t even know who played, do you?
Trey:…I just read the teleprompter Merril.
Merril: So the usual then?
Trey: Yeah.
Merril: Sigh…Alright. See you tomorrow. (click)

- During the CBS telecast of the Broncos and Chargers on Sunday, Randy Cross made the comment that “Eddie Royal is one of those guys that you could meet in a phone booth and he would still make you miss twice”. To which Senator Larry Craig asked, “What would he do if we met in an airport bathroom stall?”

- The New York Yankees have built their new stadium on top of where a popular park used to be and many of the neighborhood families are outraged that they had no say in it and their kids have no place to play. It is not as if these families live in the poorest neighborhood in America and are having to pay extra taxes to have their park taken away. Quite frankly I am outraged as well. How DARE those kids try and bully the Yankees from putting their stadium wherever they want! It is not like the Yankees are the richest franchise in baseball. And it is not like they lobbied politicians for over 2 years to get this bill snuck through and are getting the city to pay their mortgage or something ludicrous like that. When have the Yankees EVER bullied anyone or pushed around the little guy? I mean come on!

- During an ESPN interview with Terrell Owens recently, Owens said, “I realize I can’t do what I do without the help of my quarterback”. This is contrary to the previous belief that TO could throw the ball up and then run out and catch it himself.

- Hurricane Ike beat up Reliant Stadium like it was Tina Turner.

- After the Chiefs loss to the Raiders on Sunday, Chiefs running back Larry Johnson, who was angry with being taken out in the third quarter, said, “At this moment I don’t see myself staying with the team after this season”. I guess it is time to put those diapers back on him, Dick.

- Monday the Packers reportedly contacted the 49ers and offered to trade QB Aaron Rodgers for former #1 pick QB Alex Smith straight up. The 49ers have yet to respond to the offer.

- The Tennessee Titans beat the Jaguars and are now 2-0 on the season. The last time the Titans were 2-0 to start a season they went to the Superbowl. Coincidence? Yes.

- On ESPN’s Monday broadcast of NFL Primetime, both Merril Hoge and Trent Dilfer agreed that Lane Kiffin is “one of the best coaches in the NFL”. OH so THAT is what Al Davis must have meant when he said “(Kiffin) is not the guy I hired”.

- The opening statements for the OJ trial (the new one) start on Monday. As in every court case, OJ will be judged by a jury of his peers. His peers will be chosen from Rae Caruth, Mercury Morris, Ray Finkle, Mike and Marcus Vick, Leonard Little, Bill Bellichick, Laurence Phillips, PacMan Jones, Mark Chmura, the 06 Bengals, and the Cowboys of the early 90′s.

- In the Monday Night Football game between the Cowboys and Eagles, Eagles Wide Receiver Desean Jackson caught a long TD pass and, in a move typical of the kind of boneheaded antics he has become known for, he threw the ball away in celebration before he had crossed the goal line. This stunt has earned him a name change. We have cranked up the name generator for this occasion and he will henceforth be known as “Douchean Jackasson”. New jerseys are being printed and will be available as early as next week.

- Many who watched the Eagles and Cowboys on Monday Night Football were wondering where the defense was. Well it has just come in that the two defenses went to Tijuana together the night before the game. They got drunk and woke up from a drug induced slumber to find themselves in a transvestite brothel. They had been robbed so they had to hitchhike back to Texas Stadium and arrived four hours late for the game. Both the Eagles and Cowboys defenses could be suspended for the rest of the season for this incident. They will only be allowed to play against the Dolphins, Rams, Bengals and Chiefs.

- As of Tuesday the Tampa Bay Rays have the best home record in Major League Baseball this season with 53 wins at Tropicana Field. That means they officially have more home wins than they had fans to watch those games.

- The rumors are flying yet again that Al Davis will be firing Lane Kiffin. The rumors had the firing happening as early as last Monday regardless of the outcome of the Raiders game against the Chiefs in Kansas City. This led one reporter to ask Al Davis how many head coaches the Raiders have had in the last 5 years. Shockingly Al couldn’t answer the question. He appeared not to know. He then said “How dare you ask me how many head coaches I have had. When I was a POW [Puny Obscure Weasel] I didn’t have head coaches or players or leisure suits. All I had was my ego to keep me alive.” No need to get defensive Al. All we want is some straight talk. Having a female Executive Officer won’t endear you to us either. You still sound like a hard headed, crabby old man who will have us continue our losing ways and has no business leading “The Nation”…And you are still a POW: Pompous Old Windbag.

– Disassociated Press

About Levi Damien, Senior Writer

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