The Not Necessarily Incorrect Sports News Vol. 4

- When asked if his hamstring will be healthy enough for him to play Week 1, Bengals WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh said, “Lord willing, I should be. If my body tells me yeah, I will. But if it doesn’t, then I won’t.” Hopefully, for his sake, his body won’t talk out of it’s ass.

- On Monday, Raiders running back Michael Bush was told that, due to the loss of FB Oren O’Neal for the season, he would be moving to FB. It has been speculated that Kiffin wanted to mix things up and see how they worked. Other moves include putting Nnamdi Asomugha at Long Snapper, Amy Trask at Middle Linebacker and Gibril Wilson suiting up as a Raiderette.

- On Monday, Chargers DE/LB Shawn Merriman was in Florida getting a 4th and final opinion on his injured knee. The results have come in and Florida has questioned the opinions as well as how many opinions there have been and have demanded a recount.

- In a recent TFDSsports article; writer Patrick Patterson stated that the Raiders 2nd team defense was “beaten like Michael Vick’s dogs”. There has since been a defamation lawsuit filed by Michael Vick’s former dogs.

- The NFL Network has pitched the idea of having a “huddle cam” in it’s games. This was the idea that was settled on after much deliberation. The other ideas up for debate were: The playbook cam, the shower cam, and the sweat stain cam. The sweat stain was the intitial favorite until they were informed that John Madden holds the rights to it.

- Raider WR Drew Carter suffered a season ending injury on his first play in Saturday’s preseason matchup against the Cardinals. This has caused the Raiders to be thin at Wide Receiver and has led many fans to suggest the team sign FA WR Koren Robinson immediately to fill the void. When notified of the outcry, Robinson simply said “I’ll drink to that!”

- Other names that have been tossed about as a possible signing for the Raiders is WR Joe Horn. He could not be reached for comment. Sources say that he has misplaced his cel phone. In a related story: Falcons players have said that on several occasions they could swear they heard the song “I’m Too Sexy” coming from one of the goal posts in the stadium in Atlanta.

- The final Yankees/Red Sox series in old Yankee Stadium will be played this week. No one is happier than the dry cleaners in Bristol Connecticut. “We have cleaned out so many pairs of pants lately.” Said one dry cleaner employee “It gets pretty disguisting, being that the trousers are filled with every possible bodily fluid, but business is booming so I am not complaining”.

- In New Haven Connecticut, a 9 year old pitcher was banned from their local league for being “too good”. In fact the last time he tried to take the mound, the opposing team packed up it’s gear and forfeited the game. This news has spread to Broncos coach Mike Shanahan who is considering taking similar action if the Raiders first team defensive backfield takes the field on Sept 8th.

- The 2008 Beijing Olympics are officially over. The closing ceremonies occurred on Sunday. It was quite a spectacle as the sky was on fire and the smoke filled the air. Then the fireworks started.

- Retired Raiders DT Warren Sapp recently stated his intentions of being on this season’s “Dancing with the Stars”. In a related story: I just threw up in my mouth.

- All of the sports world will be sad to see old Yankees stadium be torn down after this season. Unless of course it is demolished with the Yankees and Red Sox still in it.

- Several former NFL players including former QBs Drew Bledsoe, Kelly Holcomb, (former Raiders QB) Rick Mirer, Craig Nall, and Alex Van Pelt, have filed a lawsuit against UBS stating that they were swindled out of investment money given to the swiss bank. All of the players are said to have a case except Mirer due to the fact that he swindled the NFL into thinking he was a pro quarterback. The judge stated “we will just call it even”.

- NY Giants DE Osi Umenyora suffered a season ending knee injury last weekend and since then the Giants have been contacting Michael Strahan about a possible return from retirement. Strahan said he would consider the idea under some conditions:

- Due to being out of shape, Goodell must sign off on Brett Favre spotting him a couple of sacks until he gets back on track.

- The Giants must pay the multimillion dollar orthodontist bill to close the gap between his teeth that he couldn’t previously afford from being sucked dry (and not in a good way) by his now ex-wife.

- No more training camp or preseason for him (time served)

- Raiders coach Lane Kiffin has been criticized recently for telling the media before the last two preseason games what his game plan was. Kiffin responded by saying “I am just being straightforward. This is the preseason and we have things to work on from week to week. That said, the Raiders playbook will be up on Yahoo later this week.”

– Disassociated Press

About Levi Damien, Senior Writer

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