The Not Necessarily Incorrect Sports News Vol 3

- Peyton Manning is recovering nicely from having his sack removed from around his leg. The Colt will now be put out to pasture.

- Atlanta Falcons receiver Joe Horn has been asking the team for a trade or release throughout training camp stating that the team is in a youth movement and at the age of 36 he would like to go to a playoff contender. On Monday he strangely came up missing. A search party was about to be sent out but was immediately called off when he turned up stowed away in the luggage on the Patriots team bus.

- The Tennessee Titans have a victory parade scheduled on Wednesday to celebrate their monumental win against the Raiders last week. Raider players Hiram Eugene, Michael Waddell, Johnnie Lee Higgins and coach Rob Ryan have been granted permission to miss practice to attend the parade as guests of honor.

- Last Sunday Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt won the Olympic 100 yd dash in World Record time to take the title of “World’s Fastest Man”. He could have been even faster if he had not begun celebrating before he reached the finish line by yelling at the crowd and throwing his arms up. Also in interviews he was clearly very confident and outspoken. While heading down the tunnel to leave the stadium he was met by Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones who asked, “You ever caught a football before son?”

- ESPN’s NFL Live listed its top 5 plays of the preseason on Tuesday. Play #4 was Brett Favre (get it? #4? As in Favre’s number? Where do they come up with this stuff?) throwing an easy TD pass to his tight end in the end zone. No where to be found was the JaMarcus Russell roll out of the pocket eluding pressure from Albert Haynsworth and throwing a rocket just past the outstretched hands of Keith Bullock to his diving Tight End Zach Miller in the end zone in the Raiders/Titans game last Friday. Trey Wingo could not be reached for comment because he had his head too far up Brett Favre’s ass.

- The New York Giants beat the Cleveland Browns on Monday night 37-34 for the highest scoring preseason game ever. I am going to start a trend right here by calling that a WNBA score. Pass it on.
[display_podcast]

- Recently, after a radio interview with the MVN and Examiner Raiders blog writer Patrick Patterson, Papa Joe Chevalier issued an apology to all of his listeners. This is what he said: “I know what many of you may be thinking. I realize that last interview was with a Raider writer and I have to apologize because I was under the impression I was doing a public service after being told by a reliable source that the interview would be with a ‘Retarded Donkey Beat Writer’. I don’t know how this happened and I am extremely embarrassed. Again I apologize for the mix-up.”

- Dolphins running back Ricky Williams is having a resurgent preseason with the team. Many speculate that this may be due to some of the new clauses in his contract which include:

- There will always be ample supply of munchies on the sideline including Funyuns, Twinkies and Chunky Munky

- Each day 4:20 will be recognized as a time of prayer and self reflection

- He may wear his helmet with the tinted visor for any function at any time to help with “cataracts”.

- Last Saturday Raiders Coach Lane Kiffin issued Johnnie Lee Higgins a compass for use in Saturday’s game with the Arizona Cardinals. “This will help him to figure out which direction he is supposed to run when catching a punt or kickoff,” said Kiffin, “If the compass doesn’t work for him during the game, he can certainly use it to find his way out of Alameda and back to Texas.” No word yet on surgically implanting the football under his arm.

- The Los Angeles Dodgers officially signed Greg Maddux on Tuesday after getting called up from their farm team. Also more commonly known by them and the Yankees as “The rest of Major League Baseball”.

- The NFL is investigating Raiders receiver Ronald Curry for unnecessary roughness in last week’s preseason game against the Titans. In the first quarter he caught a pass in the flat in the open field and in a selfish, vicious act of stutter stepping, he severely broke both ankles of the Titans defender. Titans coach Jeff Fisher had this to say: “What Curry did was heartless and uncalled for. That defender, whose name is escaping me, may never walk again! I hope Curry gets what he deserves and our thoughts and prayers are with what’s-his-name and his family during this difficult time.”

- Next Tuesday is the first mandatory cutdown date for the NFL. This is when NFL teams must trim their rosters to 75 players. Raiders head coach Lane Kiffin was quoted as saying: “Why mess around? Let’s just make it 40″

– Disassociated Press

About Levi Damien, Senior Writer

Quantcast