The not necessarily incorrect sports news vol 2

- Last week congress approved a million dollar study of which results show that Brett does indeed rhyme with Jet. It is only a matter of time before media outlets catch onto this. Just remember you heard it here first.

- On Tuesday the Boston Red Sox beat the Texas Rangers 19-17. Several Las Vegas casino patrons were said to have won sizable winnings after betting the over on how many times the media would call it a “football score”.

- The Raiders recently signed S/LB Adam Archuleta. Until his official jersey is ready, to avoid confusion he will wear a sign that will read “Not Stu”

- Bubba Franks is the only current Jet to have played alongside Brett Favre. Upon reporting to Jets camp, Brett’s first question for Bubba was where the local Country Kitchen Buffet was.

- A photo of the Spanish Olympic Basketball team slanting their eyes with their fingers has drawn some controversy. The calls immediately started pouring in from 40+ women from the Beverly Hills and Orange County California areas. Representatives tried their best to fan the flames stating that “It is the Chinese that we are offending. If we were making fun of you we would have pulled up our mouths and eyes, pinched our noses, put sausages in our lips, stuck two basketballs under our jerseys and wore a skirt that would fit an 8 year old”.

- The US Olympic Basketball team is set to play Greece on Thursday. LeBron James is said to have the inside track on the role of Danny and Kobe should get the role that Olivia Newton John made famous by going from a prissy little b!+(h who tries desperately to have street cred but in the end just looks like a whore.

- Stuart Schweigert is not giving up on finding that Colts 3rd string wide receiver in the end zone. Last weekend, while still searching for said receiver, he received a call from Tom Coughlin in New York telling him that the receiver had just been seen at the Giants practice facility. Stu immediately boarded a plane for New York to continue his pursuit. Good Luck Stu!

- Breaking News: Brett Favre is a little gassy. More on that in 2 minutes

- On the eve of the Russia vs. Georgia Olympic volleyball game, Russia engaged in a full on invasion of the republic of Georgia. George W Bush was notified of this at which point, he immediately took action, racing to his seat so as to not miss “raising the roof” at the US basketball team faced off against Angola. In related news: George W Bush was quoted as saying “Georgia is just one state. Let me know when they get as far north as Washington DC. Oh and Don’t mess with Texas heh heh heh.”

- Both Sebastian Janikowski and Shane Lechler are now out with injuries for this weeks preseason game against the Tennessee Titans. Janikowski said he tripped and hit his eye on the doorknob and Lechler claims to have fallen down the stairs. Which has lead the team nurse to suspect foulplay. She is currently investigating special teams coach Brian Schneider for possible kicker abuse. In the interim, all players will be checked for headlice.

- The celebration has not stopped since Trey Wingo announced the monumental milestone that occurred Wednesday. “It has officially been one week since Brett Favre became a Jet”. I haven’t been able to smooth out the goose pimples since the announcement.

- After the Chinese gymnastics team took the gold in the Olympics, several gymnasts have been accused of being under the minimum age of 16. Evidence includes some of them still losing baby teeth and discrepencies between their birth certificate and passport. When reached for comment they were quoted as saying; “I know you are but what am I?”. Touche. I think someone needs a nap.

- The Raiders wrapped training camp officially on Wednesday. As they left the facility in Napa there was a large banner put up that read “Mission Accomplished”.

- Because of the US Olympic dominance in the sport of softball, this will be the final year that softball will be played in the Olympics. In related news: This will be the last year of the World Series because of the US wins every year. This has also prompted the “redeem team” to thank all of the dream teams since 96 for tanking so as to keep basketball in the Olympics.

- Michael Phelps has won all 5 chances at gold in these Olympics and is favored to win all 8 events he is in. That is all fine and dandy but can he dance?

– Disassociated Press

About Levi Damien, Senior Writer

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