The Not Necessarily Incorrect Sports News Vol 1

- Since the death of the University of Georgia bulldog mascot Uga, there has been a great deal of upset players on the team. In fact due to the prolonged mourning, 6 Georgia players will be sitting out the first 2 games of the season in observance of this tragedy.

- Word from Packers camp is that Matt Flynn is the front runner to start at quarterback this season.

- Peyton Manning recently had a sack removed from around his leg. No word yet on whether his voice has gone up any octaves.

- Race horse Big Brown recently won his first race since his trainer vowed to stop giving him steroids. In the post race award ceremony he made a point to thank Shawne Merriman for setting the standard.

- Broncos receiver Brandon Marshall was quoted recently as saying that he was “losing sleep and waking up in cold sweats over the possibility of having to line up against Nnamdi Asomugha and DeAngelo Hall” in week one on Monday night. After he took his frustrations out on his girlfriend the team has allowed him to sit that game out as well as the following two games.

- Al Davis was recently treated at a local Oakland hospital for chest pain. He was released hours later with a prescription for desitin to treat a rash on his right nipple. In a related story: Javon Walker sat out practice with a case of severely chapped lips.

- Roger Clemens celebrated his 58th birthday on Monday. Reports are that the party will be much more modest than last years party in which he was celebrating his 45th birthday.

-Raiders Rookie Runningback Darren McFadden has been practicing a lot with the Wide Receivers lately. News of his versatility has spread across the sports world. So much so that the Yankees have reportedly offered McFadden a lucrative contract to be a utility infielder for the team.

-A week ago there was a 5.8 earthquake in Southern California. But who cares, Brett Favre sent Chris Mortenson a text message.

- Developing story: Redskins safety Stuart Schweigert is still wandering around the stadium in Canton looking for the 3rd string Colts receiver in the end zone.

- In preparation for the summer Olympics in Beijing, Olympians will practice their respective sports at a cattle farm while breathing through the tailpipe of a 65 Cadillac.

- ESPN will be holding an award dinner for Brett Favre to give him his honorary Espy for “Giving us something to obsess over for 6 months”.

- During the Hall of Fame Game in Canton Ohio on Sunday, Jason Taylor was seen on the sidelines with the arms of his jersey pulled up and a wrist band on that read “Truly Blessed”. Teammates say he took it too far when he threw on some Daisy Duke cutoffs and rollerskated around the shower snapping their butts with a towel.

- In related news: Recently released Titans receiver Mike Williams has expressed interest in being on next season’s “Dancing With the Stars”. The producers of the show referred him to their other show “Biggest Loser”.

- Breaking news: Redskins Safety Stuart Schweigert claims to have found the missing Colts 3rd string receiver in the end zone…oh wait false alarm. He has been informed that he found a “Retriever” of the golden variety who was playing fetch in a neighborhood backyard. The police are working out the details as we speak. Tough break Stu.

- Breaking News: Brett Favre is clipping his toenails. More on this in 2 minutes.

- Carolina Wide Receiver Steve Smith punched teammate Ken Lucas and broke his nose in a recent practice. Ken Lucas was quoted as saying that “this has brought the team closer together”. In related news: Al Davis has contacted the suspects in the Javon Walker assault case about coming in to improve team chemistry.

- The last of the men that assisted OJ Simpson with his alleged kidnapping has agreed to a plea deal to testify against Mr Simpson. Which might work except we all know that OJ is innocent. In related news: Bush freed the slaves and my grandmother has wheels so she is officially a school bus.

–Disassociated Press

About Levi Damien, Senior Writer

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