Not Necessarily Incorrect Sports News Vol 17

Good Day sports fans. LDizzle here to talk TFDS and it’s readers off the ledge…at least until Sunday. So sit back, relax, and take a break from porn to get this week’s raw, unadulterated sports news with my usual no nonsense, no spin, no sarcasm statements of pure fact. Tonight! How will Matt Cassel play Sunday in the wake of his father passing away? We consult Brett Favre for answers. You want proof that the recession is affecting everyone? The Yankees have only signed ONE record deal this offseason…so far.

The NFL is cutting 190 jobs after this season. Please tell me that list of firings has a “Raiders managing general partner” on it. If you think the grass is greener on the other side just remember that crap makes great fertilizer. THIS is The Not Necessarily Incorrect Daily Update News!


- Last week Sean Avery of the NHL Dallas Stars was suspended for saying to the media “I don’t understand what the deal is with guys falling in love with my sloppy seconds” in reference to his ex girlfriend dating another NHL player. However the length of his suspension was shortened after Avery explained his comments by saying, “She is dating multiple hockey players so ’sloppy’ was being generous. And ’seconds’ is being extremely generous.”

- Last Thursday’s Raiders game against the Chargers was presented in 3D for the very first time. That means for many fans watching, the Raiders stunk it up right in their living room. Great, now I am never going to get that smell out of the carpets.

- Al Davis’ plan is almost working perfectly. If the Raiders can lose out and the Chiefs can win one more game, he can really stick it to the Chiefs when the Raiders get a higher draft pick.

- Last week OJ Simpson was sentenced to a minimum nine year prison sentence. Said Simpson is response, “D’OH!”

- Last Sunday was Terrell Owens birthday. And I speak for all of us here at the Disassociated Press when I say: I hope for his Birthday this year he gets everything he deserves… Nah, that would be too mean.

- During a college basketball game this week, Davidson guard Stephen Curry had the words “I can do all things” written on his shoe. This statement backfired on him in his postgame interview when we saw the mustache he was attempting to grow.

- This week Dolphins line backer Joey Porter defended Plaxico Burress’ right to carry a gun by saying “Until a gun is waved in your face, you don’t know what it’s like. It’s nothing’ but safety”. No Joey, “Safety” would be NOT sticking a gun in the waist band of saggy sweat pants. “Safety” would be NOT shooting one’s self with one’s OWN gun. “Safety” would be that switch on the side of the gun that keeps one from shooting one’s self in ones own leg when one’s own gun slips out of said saggy sweat pants waistband.

- This is not the first time that Joey Porter has defended an NFL player who broke the law. He also defended Michael Vick in his dog fighting scandal. Prior to that he defended the likes of Brandon Marshall by saying “Until you have had a bitch talk back to you and speak when she isn’t spoken to or question your authority, you don’t know what it’s like. It’s nothing but making sure she knows her place.”

- This week on Clinton Portis’ weekly radio show, he openly criticized Redskins head coach Jim Zorn about the lack of run plays called for him. The media has viewed this as extremely negative but Portis says it was taken out of context. You see Portis was wearing a crazy shirt, a huge wacky wig and cooky oversized glasses when he said it. Nothing can be taken negatively in that getup.

- The day after Portis’ statements made headlines, he came out and said, “I had some stuff built up. I was itching to air it out.” To which it was recommended that he speak to Ron Mexico to find out how to control future outbreaks.

- After the recent firings of several Black head coaches in college football, the number of black head coaches going into next season was expected to be down to only three. Well that number has jumped back up to four with the hiring of Mike Locksley to coach at New Mexico next season. In his press conference he said, “Hopefully my success will open doors for those who look like me.” Which should be easy for all the white college Athletic Directors in the country who think all black people look the same.

- In the Cowboys game last week, Adam “PacMan” Jones suffered a herniated disc. When Jones was told he would miss the rest of the season, he was confused because it didn’t involve any hand cuffs, mug shots, or fingerprints.

- Last week, as part of congress’ mandatory restructuring plan given to General Motors, CEO Matt Millen was fired.

- Wednesday it was announced that Florida Gators offensive coordinator Dan Mullen will become the next head coach at Mississippi State. This on the heals of USC offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian being named the next head football coach at the University of Washington. The thinking is that there weren’t two more deserving guys to be brought in as head coach. Especially considering how their creative genius was able to take the likes of USC and Florida to prominence despite having no recruits wanting to play there and having to scrape the bottom of the barrel every year for talent. How DID they do it?

- The Arena League has announced this week that, due to the recession, they will not be playing a season in 09 and their draft will be delayed indefinitely. I am shocked and disappointed by this news. Disappointed because there goes my AFL fantasy league. And shocked because…they actually have a draft?

- In light of the recent struggles of the Raiders and the poor performances by their many high priced free agent signings, many have had to defend Al Davis’ decisions. Afterall, Al Davis has forgotten more about football than most of us will ever know. But that’s mainly because he has forgotten so very much.

– Disassociated Press

About Levi Damien, Senior Writer

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