Not Necessarily Incorrect Sports News Vol 14

Good day ladies and gents, It’s the Sinister Denizen of the Darkside LDizzle here to bring you the news from around the sports world. As always, we bring it to you unfiltered and fair and balanced. That means equal opportunity offending with some less equal offending reserved for certain teams and individuals as I see fit.

Tonight! Mormons hate gay people. Could you be next? Moron that later. Does the NHL still exist? We will check in with several historians to find out. Are the Raiders going to the Super Bowl this year? And can Al Davis afford all of the tickets? Can the Raiders reconstruct their 4th quarter preseason roster? Greyson Gunheim says “Yes”. If my Viagra pen ran out of ink, would that be the definition of irony? THIS is The Not Necessarily Incorrect Sports News!

- Despite the Raiders’ successful new ad campaign, “Come on out and see who’s left,” it was ultimately decided that the Raiders game against the Carolina Panthers would be blacked out in an act of mercy by the network.

- West Texas A&M quarterbacks coach Ryan Leaf was released by the team in the wake of rumors that Leaf asked a player if he would give him some pain pills. Ryan later said, “This is actually a blessing in disguise. Now I can focus on my NFL comeback.”

- After this season, there will only be four black college football coaches in all of Division One. Questions have arisen as to why this is; to which one College Athletic Director, who asked to remain anonymous, had this to say: “The feeling is that since we have a black president now we can have the freedom to fire as many black coaches as we like. Because we’ve proven once and for all that racism is dead.”

- Broncos receiver Brandon Marshall attempted a touchdown celebration during the team’s game in Cleveland last weekend. He took a glove out of his pants and was stopped from his planned celebration by fellow receiver Brandon Stokley. In an emotional post game news conference he said this: “The glove I pulled out had black on one side and white on the other. I was going to put on the one glove in honor of the plight of Michael Jackson and his struggle between black and white.” We hear you Brandon and you honor him with your words.

- The Broncos have lost their rookie running back Ryan Torain for the season which leaves them extremely thin at running back. Why can’t they just simply sign back all of the scrubs they cut in the preseason? That is a tried and true formula.

- Stanford played the University of Oregon in college football on Saturday. In the game, Stanford struggled to stop the run, had several missed tackles, and was heavily penalized which caused them to ultimately lose the game by the score of 35-28. Wait — bad rush defense, penalties, and missed tackles? Maybe Jim Harbaugh IS the top choice for the Raiders’ next head coach after all.

- During that Stanford game, it rained nearly throughout which caused the red in the numbers to bleed onto their white Cardinal uniforms. Stanford is located in Palo Alto which is just south of San Francisco so I suppose it is only appropriate that you would go there if you want to play for the pink team.

- The Oakland A’s made a big splash this week by signing Matt Holliday away from the Rockies. Begging the question: “Who are you and what have you done with Billy Bean?” Word has it that he is playing for the pink team.

- Jimmie Johnson is leading the points race in NASCAR and is in line for his third straight Sprint Cup title. NASCAR is more popular now than it has ever been. To which Jimmie Johnson said, “How bout them rednecks?”

- With so many NASCAR fans out there how did John McCain lose the election?

- Tiger was recently asked in an interview how he feels about Obama becoming president. He said:

Woods: If my father were alive, he would have cried.

Obama: Eldrick, I am your father.

Woods: NO! NO! That’s not true. That’s impossible!

Obama: Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son.

Woods: NO! We can’t!

Obama: Yes We Can!

- This week, Grizzlies Guard OJ Mayo scored 33 points against the Suns. Unfortunately the rest of the team didn’t cut the mustard and the Grizzlies couldn’t ketchup to the Suns. In the end the Suns relished their victory. [insert rim shots and groans where appropriate]

- In Sunday’s Raider game against the Panthers, Nnamdi Asomugha shut down his receiver on every play and had an interception on the one pass thrown to the man he was covering. He also had a pass defended while covering another receiver who was left uncovered. Which means he is so rich with talent that he is able to spread the wealth to his fellow defenders. In the post game press conference, Panthers head coach John Fox said, “Nnamdi, this is no time to experiment with socialism.”

- Former NBA guard Kevin Johnson was recently elected to be mayor of his home town of Sacramento. His former Suns teammate Charles Barkley was re-elected as Mayor McCheese.

- The Broncos signed running back Tatum Bell who was released by the Lions early this season. This signing is a risky move by the team considering Bell brings with him a lot of baggage…which Rudi Johnson would like to have back.

- Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner is the odds on favorite for NFL MVP at this point in the season. In related news: parachute pants are all the rave, that Tim Couch kid out of Kentucky is a can’t miss pick, and Duran Duran just released a new album.

- The Seahawks just released former Bronco receiver Keary Colbert. Colbert then took a direct flight from Seattle to Oakland and is in Al Davis’ office right now signing a contract.

– Disassociated Press

About Levi Damien, Senior Writer

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