Not Necessarily Incorrect Sports News Vol 13

- University of Washington head football coach Tyrone Willingham announced last week that he will be stepping down after this season. Several other Pac-10 coaches have said that they “wish him well” and “It is sad to see him go. We really enjoyed the past couple of seasons of considering our game against Washington as a week off.”

- Daunte Culpepper is the NFL equivalent of the Grim Reaper. When he comes to visit you know your team is dead. He visited the Raiders last season and they are still dead and buried.

- Al Davis came out last week and openly endorsed Walter Mondale for president.

- This past weekend Senator John McCain held a rally near Tampa Florida in which only a thousand supporters showed up despite expecting ten thousand. Due to the low attendance, the rally was blacked out in local markets.

- At that McCain rally in Tampa, former Buccaneer Mike Alstott introduced McCain prior to his speech. At which point McCain burst through the line and scored. McCain isn’t too crafty or quick or alive but he sure has perfected his stiff arms.

- On Monday, former Nuggets guard Allen Iverson was traded to the Detroit Pistons. The deal now hinges on passed physicals by all players involved. To which Iverson said “We in here talkin’ about a physical. Not the trade. Not the trade. Not the trade. We talkin’ about a physical.”

- In exit polls on Tuesday many voters were confused that despite his many great speeches and debates, they could not find Tiger Woods anywhere on the ballot.

- During half time of ESPN’s Monday Night Football game, both Presidential candidates were given a couple of minutes of time to speak to viewers. When Chris Berman asked McCain about his chances of winning the election he said “I could…go…all…the…way…to the White House.” Unfortunately for McCain, he spent his time up to that point “Grumblin’, Bumblin’, and Stumblin’.”

- For 18 straight Presidential elections, the outcome coincided with whether the Redskins won or lost on the game just prior to election day. The way it works is if the Redskins win then the incumbent party will win the election. After the Steelers beat the Redskins handily on Monday night, Washington head coach Jim Zorn had this to say, “We got together as a team and decided that we should lose this game for Obama. I am a certified Obamaniac as are many of our players so it was an easy sacrifice.”

- Fox News is reporting that 82% of their viewers think that the Redskins won on Monday.

- Browns head coach Romeo Crennel has decided to bench quarterback Derrick Anderson in favor of Brady Quinn. Crennel said “It is change we can believe in.” Most analysts believe that Quinn won the job after he bought a half hour of air time on local television in an attempt to gain last minute supporters.

- After the Dolphins defeated the Broncos on Sunday, Miami linebacker Joey Porter came out and said that Denver receiver Brandon Marshall was “soft”. Porter went on to say “Seriously, what kind of lotion does he use? I have tried all kinds of expensive $#!+ and nothing seems to work. I still end up ashy.”

- This weekend, in remembrance of Gov. Sarah Paling’s historic run to be the first female vice president as well as her penchant for not pronouncing the “G”s at the end of words in an attempt to sound “folksy”, the NFL will take the “G”s out of their team names for this weekend’s games. For instance we will have the Minnesota Vikins, Philadelphia Eales, and New England aytriots.

- When asked why the Raiders continue to be terrible every season of late, Al Davis responded this week by saying, “Because I am a Maverick. The Raiders could be competitive, but that is just what everyone would expect.”

- With Michigan having their worst record in a half century and set to miss out on a bowl game for the first time in 33 years, many are calling for the firing of new head coach Rich Rodriguez. There is even a website set up for fans to sign a petition. If you would like to add your name to the list of those calling for the resignation of Rodriguez simply email Lane.Kiffin@yahoo.com.

- It has been speculated that this recession could go deeper and last much longer…but let’s not worry about the Raiders right now. What about the economy?!

- There is much concern in San Antonio about the Spurs 0-3 start to the season. Many have theorized that the problem began with the hiring of Dr. Richard Kimble as the head coach. But he blames the one armed man.

- Sources have stated that Stanford head football coach Jim Harbaugh is interested in taking over as coach of the Raiders next season. He is currently receiving shock therapy to overcome those urges.

- Tennessee head football coach Phillip Fulmer is being asked to resign following the season. Lane Kiffin has stated he is interested in the job. OK –  we get it Lane! If there is a D-1 job open then you are interested. If Kiffin is not careful he may come off as desperate.

- In an effort to gain another sellout crowd at Oakland Alameda Coliseum for this weekend’s game against the Panthers, the Raiders and Al Davis have launched a new ad campaign: “Come on out to the game and see who’s still left! Don’t miss a moment!”

– Disassociated Press

About Levi Damien, Senior Writer

Quantcast